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Now as I think back to those men, tears still come, especially in my nineteen year old heart. I still miss them, but I believe their loss was somehow an initiation for me, a journey to the heart of me. What I felt has never quite left. Each time I have the privilege of working with a Vietnam veteran or sitting with a vet dying of Agent Orange related illness, I'm reminded to let my heart be torn open, and I'm reminded that Love Never Dies. No one I have ever met has given more meaning to my life than those two men.
Finding oneself in the depths of grief is not an experience most would choose. However, it is a path to compassion and forgiveness, unlike any I've traveled. As a child I had often felt the pain of those around me and certainly as a therapist, but it has taken years to allow and to continue to allow my heart its vulnerability. I'm most thankful to those veterans who have shared their inner death and the resurrection of their hearts with me. They are the true Phoenix, the legacy of the Armegeddon that was our participation in Vietnam. They have much to teach us... "for something in you dies when you bear the unbearable. And it is only in the dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees and to love as God loves" (Ram Das, 1982).
When we understand that we all are already dead, then life, our loved ones, and love become precious with each moment, with each breath. When we understand that everything, everyone, everybody ends, then fear leaves us, doubt has no hold on our hearts, and Donne's magnificent: "Do not ask for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee," graces us with insight and song.
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